“Other” based Esteem

Let’s consider your belief that it would be terrible if someone disapproved of you. Why does disapproval pose such a threat? Perhaps your reasoning goes like this: “If one person disapproves of me, it means that everyone would disapprove of me. It would mean there was something wrong with me.”

If these thoughts apply to you, your moods will shoot up every time you are being stroked and likewise your mood would spiral down when someone disapproves of you. We call this Other-Based-Esteem. Instead of holding yourself in warm regard despite your imperfections and believing that you have true worth because you are on this planet, you are allowing others to dictate your worth. Notice how many times a day you allow others to elevate your worth or allow others beliefs to give you a feeling of inferiority.

When we act in this manner, we are truly taking our well being and serving it up to other people. It then becomes the other person’s duty to decide if we are worthy. This is not a healthy place to be, and it is a soul-defeating exercise. We should never judge ourselves based upon how we think others see us. Yet many people are so sensitive to the judgment of others that they alter their behavior in the drive for other-esteem.

Esteem must be generated from within and can then radiate outward. When we focus outwardly for approval, we are seeking it in the wrong place. And, in so doing, we subordinate our authentic being in a vain attempt at happiness. Such fulfillment is dependent and superficial, and it undermines our personal evolution. This seeking of externalized affirmation can cause you a lifetime of self doubt because your worth is dependent on “others.”Self-esteem is the legitimate foundation for a healthy relationship with others and ourselves. Genuine self-esteem removes the construct of neediness so prevalent in most relationship challenges and liberates us to thrive, as issues of rejection and judgment recede. If we seek our esteem from outside, we leave ourselves in a tentative and dependent place. When the sense of worth emanates from within, life unfolds in an empowered manner.

The key to a powerful self-esteem is found by embracing your vulnerability – your fears and insecurities. In doing so, you liberate yourself from setting up others as your judge, as you have nothing to hide. You must embrace your vulnerability to attain inner strength.